Who Supports You?
Dealing with difficult or intimidating people is stressful, and this week I was confronted with
a situation that years ago, would have proved extremely challenging for me.
However, through the years I have worked hard on my people skills and my own personal development. I’ve enjoyed my significant growth in the areas of boundaries and confidence, as well as taking great pleasure in being reflective, self-aware, and always open to new insight.
This week during my “situation”, those personal skills I developed were tested. I floundered a bit and I felt annoyed at myself. After speaking with someone in my close circle, I saw more clearly where I fumbled and felt somewhat relieved with myself. I also realized just how important it is to have that circle. I am grateful for those who hold the same values to personal growth and integrity. I appreciate those who will hold me accountable to my truth of living emotionally free from anyone person who needs rely on intimidation to support their agenda.
If you’re committed to your own personal growth and development, I encourage you to add this kind of person to your circle. I believe it’s so important to be able to get someone else’s perspective; a person who doesn’t have the same attachment to an old pattern as you, and who can help you think through what actually transpired in retrospect. Allow yourself that vulnerability. Ask them to keep you accountable to your emotional well-being so that you don’t get caught up in an old groove. Whether it’s your personal relationships or business interactions, having a few select people who have permission to speak into your life really is priceless. This week reinforced it yet again, for me.
#closecircles #tribe #difficultpeople #dontintimidateme #truth #personaldevelopement #growth #boundries
Today is a slump day for me. I have all these creative ideas of the things I want to get done but don’t have the energy mentally or physically to do them. Did you ever have a day where you couldn’t motivate yourself? What did you do? Did you push yourself to get going by sheer discipline or did you give yourself permission to have a slump day?
I know for all of the extremely disciplined folks reading this what I am about to say will probably drive you crazy but here goes. I think if you’ve been on the go, pouring out a lot of yourself, it is ok to give yourself permission to have a slump day. Mostly what it means is you are running on fumes. I believe when you are low on fuel; you will still reach your destination if you allow yourself to “fill up” with a brief respite.
Then when you do complete the task at hand, you will be able to enjoy yourself along with your accomplishment, instead of collapsing and being out of commission for a few days.
I’ve been there, done that. I didn’t enjoy the work or the outcome. I was exhausted and only wanted to lock myself in my room. I was angry at how hard I was being pushed. Who was doing the pushing? Me. Who checked out? Me. Who has the power to make changes for my good? Me.
Having just celebrated another birthday I’m really enjoying the wisdom and freedom that comes with age. “Work smarter not harder” makes sense to me. Having life experience behind me shows me what’s really important in life and that I get to decide how I allocate my time and still get things done.
The biggest take away though is I am not in a race with time. Everyone is rushing, rushing, rushing. What is the rush for? You can accomplish more by taking care of yourself as well getting things done by withdrawing from the race against time. It’s a self-imposed pressure. Work smarter, not harder!
Even though I was having a slump day today, (Slump = Lump but sounds better) I still accomplished writing my blog but with ease and I did it from the couch instead of Starbucks. Permission granted. Goal accomplished.
#women #choices #rest #accomplishments #noburnout #rewardscoaching #lifecoach #clarity
All my life I have been hearing about people making New Year’s resolutions. At the risk of sounding negative, I don’t believe they actually help most people change. I think the way the whole tradition is set up lays the groundwork for failure. It uses the excitement and the promise of a new year, to convince us that this time will be different. Our minds are excited and so we feel motivated. Which is a nice concept but not practical in relation to how people really change. Just ask any gym salesperson about the success rate of January memberships or people who have had their last cigarette or sugar intake on December 31st.
Not many people are self disciplined enough to begin a change in their life and keep it going indefinitely, or at least for the New Year ahead. The way our brains are wired it takes more than sheer grit to make lasting changes. To explain this better, think of all the times you said to yourself, “on Monday I am going on a diet”, while enjoying a piece of chocolate cake or a second helping of Lasagna (insert your favorite food). Our brains, not knowing if we are actually going to do it or not, will make us feel less guilty momentarily and feel a pleasure about our new goal. This is how resolutions work. You feel good about them in the moment and are motivated by that excitement to begin the change. But they hold no substance for us to be successful in the change process.
Unfortunately, for most people, their commitment to that goal will only last as long as their excitement does. Once that’s gone so is the resolution; at least until next year when this craziness begins again.
If you are really serious about making a change, may I suggest a few things to give you a better posture for success than a New Year’s resolution?
Quiet your mind, pray and listen for what needs you need. Personal pruning is very healthy. Be specific and realistic about your goals. Then take small, consistent, baby steps to reach them. I believe we all need a tribe so to speak, a support system (Life Coach, friend, family member, therapist). An accountability person will keep you on track; especially when you want to abandon the plan. Your support team (tribe) can rally around you as cheerleaders and keep going. Change only happens when we are intentional or we will default to our old habit. Our aim is to make a new roadmap in our command center (our brain) but it takes a conscious awareness.
The last and most important piece here is to take it one day at a time. Thinking you have to keep this up for a whole year, 6 or even 3 months can be a tall order. I suggest you renew your intention daily. Accept that there will be some set backs but get right back to the plan. It’s only a fail when you don’t get back to it.
Day after day, after day, after day, practice what you have written down. The change doesn’t happen from anything else but theconsistencyof showing up to your goal no matter how long it takes. After a while it will just become a part of you. Success is not in making the Resolution; it’s in being resolute!!!
#newyear#resolutions #change #resolute #tribe #lifecoach #onedayatatime #consistency #success
For almost a year now, I have been involved with five other women who have personally survived domestic violence (DV), and from that we have started a movement to help others come out of the shadows to find help. The organization’s name is “Putting The Broken Pieces Back Together Again”. Its founder, a woman who after overcoming DV, went on to become a successful, strong woman who works on Wall Street with a heart for others who are in abusive situations. She envisioned a safe and loving place for people to come to find hope, help, and restoration, with the resources to get their lives turned around.
We are not quite a year old yet, and this movement has already gone into overdrive. Similar organizations involved in DV have contacted us to partner with them, and we continue to get calls for help by not only women but men and teenagers as well. We’ve been able to get several women into “safe houses” already, find them jobs and get them into counseling with some of the healing centers we are working with.
In this short amount of time, we have learned how widespread DV is and how many forms it takes. When people hear Domestic Violence they think of a husband and wife, where one or both are physical with each other. It is so much broader than that and it happens in more relationships than just marriage. DV consists of any abuse or harm to a person that takes place within a relationship and it doesn’t respect race, gender, position, age or financial status.
Along with the physical abuse, emotional and mental battering, belittling and control are other forms of behavior it can show up as. Somewhere through time we have learned to minimize and dismiss this type of abuse. Too many people wind up feeling “stuck” in these situations, having lost their voices and their hope of change. They live in fear, anxiety and shame. For some it is just “normal life” because it is all they have ever known. We get to tell those who reach out to us that it’s not normal and they can do something about it. We help them find the courage to stand up and say “Enough”! We can be role models for each other. We can speak up and come out better and stronger for it. We teach them that God loves them, we love them, and that they are worthy to be treated with love and respect.
If you know someone who is in a DV situation or you yourself are in one, there is hope and there is help! Please don’t hide in the shadows any longer. You are not alone and there is no shame on you either. The shame is on the abuser! The first step to freedom is just reaching out. You are not alone.
Putting The Broken Pieces Together Again is just one of the many organizations who care and will help you. Our contact number is 718.238.4000. Ask for Vickie.
#nomorehidingintheshadows #nomoredomesticviolence #itmuststop
#dontremainavictim#morepowerfulthanyouthink #Puttingthebrokenpiecesbacktogetheragain #rewardscoaching #bebrave
Have you ever heard from someone close to you, “stop trying to change me!” ? Only to reply back, “I’m not, I’m just trying help you understand.” This kind of dialog could be a cue that you are hurting your communication. It’s common to fall onto this rabbit trail when sharing your perspective, even if you pride yourself on being a good communicator. Why? When we are emotionally invested, the stakes are higher which charge our emotions and derails communication.
Just for fun, take a good look into your own motive regarding a topic of interest. There’s a strong possibility you may unconsciously (or consciously) be “trying tochange” that other person. In close relationships our emotional investment can cause us to bypass our understanding that we cannot change anyone but ourselves. It causes us to deny the respect and space we’d normally give to another person for their personal opinion. Close relationships can cause us to cross those boundaries. Once you start with thoughts like, “that’s just ridiculous”, “you have to be kidding me” and “are you just stupid” (add a chuckle here); the emotional engagement has begun. Recognizing how emotionally charged you are feeling, will make all the difference in how you are able to honor the other person’s opinions. Further thoughts may be if I could just get this person to see things my way, it would go much smoother and be less emotionally draining. These thoughts are all cues of emotional attachment.
Knowing each of us is on a journey of our own, traveling at different speeds and on different plains, is what can lead to frustration. Our journey encompasses our experiences, our desires, our fears, our influences, our age, our spirituality, and our education, as well as our exposure to life and the world beyond our own backyard. Many close relationships present this challenge, (children, parents, family members), but I’m going to focus on giving some tips for diffusing your emotional involvement within marriage for now. How can we make sure that we have a conversation with our mate that does not feel like it’s controlling, manipulative, or pressuring? How can we avoid defensiveness, frustration and explosions, whenever we engage with differing viewpoints? Can we have a difference of opinion without it turning into emotional sparring? Absolutely!!!
First check in on your part. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll recognize when you have an emotional investment. Once you do, you can begin to diffuse it, so that you can stop reacting to it.
It can be helpful to ask yourself a few of these questions.
It takes practice. This is the fun part of Relationship Coaching, training someone how to be responsible solely for their emotions and not someone else’s. It can be incredibly freeing—for both of you. You can look forward to talking when you are able to diffuse an emotional charge. In most situations you can improve your communication and alleviate defensiveness, which is an unhealthy drain to personal or intimate conversations.
If this was helpful, please let me know. I’d love to hear your feedback.
#Notcontrollingyou #goodcommunication #relationshipcoach #emotions #freetobe #Rewradscoaching
I have added spiritual coaching to my coaching practice and I wanted to share what it is and how it works for those who are new to it. If you, like me, are on social media, have the read the articles, or watch TV News, you’ve seen and heard quite a bit of talk about religion. I am not writing about “religion”. This is my personal journey and experience from over 30 years of living it. If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore your spiritual side, I’d love to go on the journey with you.
Religion and a spiritual journey are two different things. According to Webster’s Dictionary the word religion means: 1) to acquire a deep conviction of the validity of religious beliefs and practices. 2) To resolve or to mend one’s errant ways.
3) Archaic, strict faithfulness; devotion: a religion to ones vow.
For me, my spiritual journey is not about finding a religion, an institution of which to belong, while adhering to a set of rules. There are social clubs for that. It is however, having my spirit awakened by truths, which are based on actual recorded historical events about a person (Jesus) who came with a message. His message was and still is, about awakening our spirit. We are made up of three parts, body, soul (or mind) and spirit (Our spirit needs to be brought back to life, since it was cut off from a connection with our creator.) The message was also about God’s profound love for all of humanity, restoration of our relationship with our Him, and a wonderful plan of spreading that love, respect, honor and justice to and for all that He has created.
Is it a hokey story or spiritual truth? That is an individual choice to search out. One of the most respectful gifts someone can give to another is the gift of personal choice and then respect for those choices, whether you agree with them or not. Over 30 years ago, I made a choice to begin a relationship with this Jesus and never looked back.
I didn’t find Utopia, since it doesn’t exist here on earth, while evil is still present in the hearts of men and women (that’s another whole spiritual discussion). What I did find though, is an understanding of things that had previously not made sense to me. A great enlightenment took place in me. I found that it’s a living relationship and when I seek answers; I actually find what I was looking for. I also found a better way of looking at life, loving my neighbor (even when they are unlovable) encouragement and unfailing love, purpose and peace, to name just a few. I think the greatest of all of these was peace of mind. That’s something nothing and no one in this world can give you and nothing and no one in this this world can take away.
So, am I trying to convert someone? No. I am opening up a dialog. A place where people can feel free to ask questions, and not just have scripture thrown at them as a response. I want to offer an engaging, intelligent, respectful conversation for those who are interested in going on a spiritual journey as well. No pressure, no preaching, just a fellow traveler who is here to join you on that journey.
#spirituallife #journey # spiritualjourney #spiritualcoach #lifecoach #Rewardscoaching #noreligion #relationship
"Boots on the ground “started out as a military term, but has slowly made its way into our general use of idioms. It basically means instead of fighting the war from the top down (air strikes), it will be fought from (below) having troops on the ground.
I love this idiom. I’ve been thinking about it in the context of society and to a much broader extent – our world. Although laws and policies come from the top down (politicians), in actuality, their job is to take their cue from us; your everyday average working, tax paying folk. In other words we would be considered the “boots on the ground” people.
Too many people are at odds with our country’s leadership, our city’s leadership, corporate leadership, church leadership, etc. It’s frustrating to feel like one entity holds all the power, which can override the power of our own voice. We all want to be heard! No one wants to feel put upon by anyone else, least not the “higher ups” so to speak.
This frustration is evident in all the bickering, intolerance, prejudice, Facebook banter and harsh comments. Friends are being separated because of their viewpoints and mature people are reducing themselves to middle school like behavior.
Have we forgotten that we are the “boots on the ground”? We can’t allow our frustrations to override our better judgment. We have the power of our voice and our behavior and our influence. We have the power of unity! Just as the military uses a collective force from the ground to accomplish an objective, which then gives rise to their superiors for the next strategic step, we are figuratively in the very same position. By being the change we want to see, we can influence another person and so on and so. We gather momentum and strength, which speaks to those in charge and influences them as well.
Oh yes, we do have protests that are trying to accomplish the same thing, and they are helpful when they are done maturely, and frustrations are under control. A wise old king named Solomon, wrote a proverb that reads:
One who is slow to anger is better than a warrior, and one who rules their own spirit, better than one who captures a city. (Proverbs 16:32)
#Bootsontheground #slowtoanger #powerofavoice #united #beagoodinfluence
I’d like to thank those of you who gave such wonderful feedback on my previous blog on Mismatched Libidos. Your comments and input made a part 2 necessary.
As I mentioned in my first blog on this topic, Sex can be a difficult subject to talk about. Starting a conversation about it takes courage, trust and vulnerability. The first talk is actually the hardest, but you will both learn how to navigate it once it’s opened up. A great opener is admitting how uncomfortable you feel and then gently forge ahead anyway. It will absolutely be worth it. It has been my experience that just by the fact that you are willing to discuss something that is sensitive and challenging, it affirms your love for each other and for your sex life. (If the truth were told, one or both of you would like to know that sex is important to the other person too). In contrast, many people just avoid it and it lends itself to anger, resentment and rejection, which after a few years can really hurt your relationship. So dive in!
I was happy to hear from women on the physical aspect regarding their desire for sex. One woman shared that her sexual desire for her husband, whom she adored, had all but left her. She thought there was something wrong with her and didn’t feel the confidence to approach her husband about it. She went to an Herbalist who treated her reproductive cycle and her hormones, with some “tinctures and a female tonic”, she felt alive again toward her husband. Her exact words, “It was life changing”. I also had a Neuropathic Doctor, Fayzah Doudak, who has a practice in Dyker Heights, Brooklyn, tell me that she has seen many women helped by taking certain supplemental nutrients. Great news for us ladies!
Lastly, sometimes it just comes down to a matter of personal desires. Meaning that if a woman is perfectly satisfied with having sex once a week and does not see that as an issue, but her husband does, what do you do? It takes a conversation about compromise. Do you remember how in previous generations, mothers would tell their daughters to do their “wifely duties”? Well, this is definitely not about that, so fear not, we are not going backwards! I believe there are things in a marriage that can be helped greatly, by looking for the win-win situation. What could be a compromise that you are both willing to make that is acceptable to each of you? After all, you love each other and want one another to be happy, don’t you? Then why wouldn’t you do whatever you could to bring that about? So, if a wife desires sex once a week and the husband desires it three, then both compromise and agree at making room for it to happen twice a week. The foremost important thing that has to happen is the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel, you can’t begin to move forward without it.
#sex #sextalks #marriage #inittowinit #desires #compromise #winwin #marriagebuilders #rewardscoaching #lifecoach
This question came from one of my readers. They asked for both my husband and my opinion, so that they can get both a male and female perspective. It’s a bit lengthy but the topic deserved it.
Q. Can you weigh in on “mismatched libidos” in marriage?
A. Absolutely! What a pertinent question. It has been my experience that it affects most marriages at some point.
First, I would suggest you rule out any physical reasons why sex is not desired as much, or at all in some cases. Are there hormone issues (his/hers)? Sickness? Medications? You want to be certain there isn’t anything going on physically that would interfere with the sex drive. Assuming all is well physically, I’m going to offer some common reasons we’ve found from our work with couples that may be helpful in exploring this issue. I will also give a few suggestions on how to work it through.
First I would start with some open communication. Many couples get very defensive while dealing with this issue. The only time they may express something about it is after they’ve been rejected or reached a breaking point. This reaction only hinders communication about sex, since it’s usually charged with frustration, anger, and/or hurt. A conversation needs to take place but only when you both are in a good frame of mind, you’re thinking clearly, and your emotions are in check. After you plan a good time to sit and talk, remember to keep it all judgment free. Making a positive connection at this level will be a great precursor in jump-starting those libidos with some emotional intimacy.
Begin the conversation with what you are in agreement on. Highlight your strengths and you’ll gain a sense of empowerment and hope. It could look something like this:
Hopefully, the answers are yes (otherwise that’s a whole other marital challenge to be sorted out). To help you understand the significance of this power of agreement, imagine if you will, the two of you standing in a boxing ring, poised to fight. Coming into agreement would put you both in the same corner of the ring, to face the issue together; as opposed to being at opposite ends fighting each other. This is huge! We all have various challenges in our marriages, and some topics are more sensitive than others. Sex, or the lack of it, being one of the harder conversations to have, the power of agreement really helps. Since our egos are involved we take it very personally. We can easily become defensive and oppositional, if you feel your spouse is no longer attracted to you (which many times is not even the case). More often than not, the issue could be as simple as being exhausted (i.e.; new parents, overload from work and or school). Those are the easy issues; easier to work on that is.
Sometimes, I have seen wives who no longer desire sex with their husbands due to a lack of emotional intimacy. The couple no longer spends time together alone. She can’t remember the last time he looked into her eyes or kissed her, outside of the bedroom. The number one complaint from wives is their heart and emotions have not been stimulated, and then all of a sudden their husband wants them to be physically intimate with them. Women typically need to be emotionally connected before wanting to be physically connected (excluding the spontaneous quickie). It may not make sense to some men; nonetheless it’s how we women are wired. On the flip side, I have also heard from husbands who don’t desire sex with their wife because of how she treats him. All day long they feel spoken to in a demeaning and disrespectful way, and then their wife wants them to be physically intimate as if nothing ever happened. It turns them off and fuels resentment.
Long lasting, healthy, passionate marital relations, have to be nurtured and cared for. Having a somewhat active sex life is a clue to the health of the relationship. It’s actually a barometer of how the relationship is doing. When the relationship is healthy, you want to keep your sex life alive. You know it’s an important part of your marriage and you will do whatever it takes to support it; not to mention its also a great source of enjoyment and pleasure when there’s no strife in the way.
Here are a few suggestions that may help to keep it healthy. For new parents, the solution can be as simple as giving your spouse a little nap or some free time. If it’s a matter of emotional intimacy, regular date nights and personal conversations (other than the kids and bills) are helpful. Date nights are also useful for bringing up sensitive topics that have been on your mind. It’s a time to be open and transparent about how you’ve been feeling (disrespected, unappreciated, etc.) and for the other to find out how he or she can work on changing that. You can also ask for forgiveness or give it in return if needed, affirm your love for each other, or just have some fun together.
Lastly, and just as important, is planning these times to be alone and be intimate. Schedule sex??? No, create the space for sexual intimacy to happen naturally. If you don’t, you will find (if you haven’t already) that life will always seem to crowd it out.
My husband’s opinion (Thomas Stafford):
I agree with everything Regina shared, but would add one more thing. Many professionals recommend watching pornography together for stimulation. You don’t need outside help to fix inside issues. Pornography and sexual fantasy are not going to add to your intimacy, or fix whatever is causing you to be mismatched. Porn usually invites a new set of issues into the mix, such as insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and unreal expectations regarding your sex life, which will further increase the divide; not to mention, its also addictive. Don’t look for the quick fix. Do the work it takes to build a fantastic sex life together, which will satisfy both of you beyond your golden years.
#Sex #maritalsex mismatchedlibidos #marriagechallenge #healthyrelationships #emotionalintimacy #rewardscoaching #marriagebuilders #marriagecoaches
Sometimes it’s ok to sit quiet. Sometimes it’s ok to be melancholy. It’s even ok to take a day where you don’t accomplish much, other taking a pause from the norm.
Our society is bent on accomplishment. We work feverishly to stay relevant and surpass others, lest we fall behind. We can find unlimited great Coaches, Entrepreneurs, and Leadership Development Consultants on social media, in print, in podcasts and on videos, encouraging us to keep working, keep hustling, and keep producing. In and of itself, this is great. (I’m one of them) You can find all you need in an instant, to put wind in your sails, ward off discouragement and fuel your belief in yourself, your gift and your dreams. Wonderful!!! It’s a wonderful gift from technology.
The downside of it is, it is not so wonderful on the days where you need to take a pause; the days where you have nothing to pump out. Then it becomes a harsh taskmaster, causing more fear and anxiety than inspiration. Life never happens in a straight line. We can be fired up about our dreams, charging forward, making great strides, and another part of our lives unexpectedly throws a monkey wrench of sorts onto our path. It could be family, finances, health, or anything that drains your mental and emotional energy. Do you continue to pump until you are depleted and burned out?
If you are on stuck on the hamster wheel, the answer is yes. You keep going. You are driven by militaristic terms like; “no pain, no gain” or “sleep is for the weak”, “no rest for the weary”, and “you’ll sleep when you’re dead”? You suck it up and keep going. You work into the wee hours of the morning, crawl out of bed in the morning, grab food on the go, force yourself to the gym and do it all again tomorrow. You can’t allow yourself to pause for a second, the competition is too great and it’s on your tail. Pausing could be the difference between success and failure. We are not in the military and so don’t need to be this rigid. Following our dreams doesn’t have to be exhausting or detrimental to our over all well-being. It just has to be consistent. Although the fulfillment of dreams does take hard work and sacrifice, we should be able to enjoy the building phase of it.
Let’s get a grip on ourselves. Let’s pause and take in the fullness of our lives. Let’s not get myopic about our dreams and forget we are human beings, not programmed robots. We have many moving parts, as well as people to consider that are on this ride with us. Although your dream may fill your heart, it doesn’t need to take over your life.
I recently read about how our “Live your dream at any cost” mentality is actually killing us. I believe it needs to be spoken about so that we can get a good balance into our lives. . Going hard and heavy is taking its toll on our health and well-being. Auto Immune diseases are at an all time high, Adrenal failure is now a thing, and Anti-Anxiety and Depression meds are distributed at alarming rates. What are we doing to ourselves? Does this sound alarming? It should! Sprinting is only meant for a short period of time, not for the whole race. We need to pace ourselves and develop a good working rhythm. If you look at our society as being one big whirlpool (like we used to make as kids in the round swimming pools) then the pause is grabbing onto the ladder and sitting on the deck for a bit. The pause allows you to take a breather when you need it and not feel guilty or feel anxious because you stopped producing for the moment. It allows you to rest your body and your mind when needed, revaluate, strengthen, altar or change course, enjoy your loved ones, have some fun, or just simply be still for a moment and breathe.
All good things will come in due season. Be consistent and trust the process…
#findyourpause #dontbeafraidtopause #dreamsdocometrue
#allinitsowngoodtime #atimetosowandatimetoreap #atimetostopsowing #trusttheprocess #Lifecoachesaregreat #rewardscoaching
I post my blogs bi-weekly, with a focus on strengthening and encouraging the amazing women and wives that you all are, You'll also find relevant conversations on marriage, relationships communication, and thoughts on having a Spiritual Journey.