The term EI (Emotional Intelligence) became popular in 1995 from a book by Daniel Goleman, titled Emotional Intelligence. Since then it has grown in popularity to the point where some studies suggest it is more desirable to have a higher EI, than a high IQ (Intellectual Quotient) in the work place. We all know and understand the importance of education and intellect, and although EI is now a desired skill to learn, it seems to be most popular in the motivational circles. I’d like to bring a little more awareness to it for those not understanding the richness in exposing themselves to this skill and the value it will bring to your personal life, in your relationships, and in your work environment.
For years I have worked in personal development and relationships. When I first began training to become a Life Coach I heard the term “EI”. Its importance resonated so loudly within me that I continue to seek out new information and research on it. There is an exciting scientific world around the study of EI. It involves neuroscience, brain imaging, and how connections are made, as well as studies around our nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system, which is the source of your energy, creativity, and all of your physical, mental and emotional processes. It can sound complicated for those who may not be familiar with this terminology, but it can be simplified for anyone to understand. It can be applied for general knowledge, for self-awareness, for leadership development and team building. My hope is that what I share doesn’t give you a headache, but rather informs you, so that you can better understand yourself and others.
Let’s start with our thinking. Are our thoughts the sum of who we are or is it our feelings? The correct answer is our thoughts. The thoughts we keep and the interpretation of all we’ve been through in our lives make a “map” in our brain, which means it forms a pattern or a way of thinking. When we repeatedly think a certain way, it becomes a way of being and feeling. When I was younger, I used to think this was just positive thinking and put no belief in it. The neurological factor proved to me that if a person is willing to do what it takes to change, they can, and they will change. What does it take? It takes making a new “map” in your brain. That means you need to consistently alter how you think about something or view something, despite how you feel. It’s easier said than done but you can change your feelings. Being consistent is how it goes from your thoughts to your feelings.
I remember hearing a comment years ago, that someone made toward another person as a joke, it was; “his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top”. It was said about their intellect and common sense but I think it’s a great example to use regarding our emotions as well. Let me explain. When you want to make a change in your thinking, but you feel differently than what you would actually like to see or do, you have the choice to go with your feelings, again, because it’s easier, or you can let that “elevator continue to the top”, then make a choice to view, act or choose something different.
Here’s a personal example from my recent vacation with my husband. While on vacation you eat out a lot, eating out challenges your resolve to eat healthy (yes even though you’re on vacation). So when I had to choose what to eat I had to ask myself if I was choosing with my feelings (my taste buds) or with my brain (my smarts). It became a joke between us. There were days I chose with my mouth and feelings and there were days I let the “elevator go to the top” and made better choices. It proved a great analogy for both of us and gave us a good laugh when the elevator button was broken. Anyway, I’m sure you get the point. If you find yourself feeling like you can’t make changes in your life, rethink it, you can. When you know what you want to change, you need to figure out a more productive way to think about it; books, a coach, a therapist or someone else with a high EI can all be helpful with this. Then, do it over and over and over again, by choice and you will change how you feel. It won’t happen overnight but as you practice thinking in line with how you want to become…you will become it!
An age-old proverb says: ”As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.” (OT Proverbs 23; 7)
Next weeks Blog 2 of a 3 part series, will elaborate on EI within yourself.
#rewardscoaching #EI #Emotionalintellegence #thoughtsandfeelings #lettheelevatorgotothetop
This week’s blog is dedicated to all the control enthusiasts and “get it done” people.
You guys ‘n gals are the ones who rarely say no to anyone, and you do more than you need to be doing. You enjoy helping others, and some of those people are only too happy to allow you.
One of the pitfalls of being a nice person, a generous person, is the lack of personal boundaries and not knowing how to assess when to say no. When a nice person is taken advantage enough times, you’ll hear statements like “I’m never doing anything for anyone again”. They feel frustrated, as though their generosity has been abused. Is the answer to stop being nice to people? How can one who enjoys being helpful and giving, do so without being taken advantage of? The answer is by having boundaries. In my life, all the roles I play, call for me to give of myself. Coupled with having a generous nature, I had to learn boundaries in order to stay true to my personality and not be annoyed with the takers.
A few of the things I’ve learned that have proven helpful, are asking myself questions. To give an example, if during a work situation there is someone who always asks for your help with something or asks you to do it for them; instead of just automatically dropping everything and doing it (as if what you are doing is unimportant), you could try asking yourself these questions:
I heard an old Polish proverb years ago, one of my favorites. It helps remind me to protect my boundaries. It says, “Not my monkey, not my circus.” Beware! Sometimes that cute little monkey tries to jump onto your shoulder and pull you into someone else’s circus.
Don’t get me wrong; I do believe it’s important to be kind, thoughtful and giving to others. I also think it’s important not to be a doormat for people to walk on. Kind and generous people are usually the ones who tend to take on responsibility for a lot more than they actually need to, which causes them grief. Do you know that we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves? So, here’s another question for you. Is this self- inflicted? Do I allow others to take advantage of me? If this shoe fits, it may be time to add some personal boundaries. Boundaries are not selfish. They say you value yourself enough to protect yourself and your time when you need to. And in turn you learn to respect other people’s boundaries too. The Good Book says, “We are to love others, as we love ourselves”. If we don’t learn to love ourselves well, how will we learn to love others well? #love#boundaries#rewardscoaching#marriagebuilders#notmymonkey#notmycircus
I post my blogs bi-weekly, with a focus on strengthening and encouraging the amazing women and wives that you all are, You'll also find relevant conversations on marriage, relationships communication, and thoughts on having a Spiritual Journey.