Do you remember all the outdated, traditional roles of husbands and wives? You know the stale ones that have been passed down by relatives, friends and old movies and society? Many of them seem almost laughable today. Especially regarding women. I’m sure a little study (or Alexa or Google), could yield the origins of some of them, and it might prove pretty interesting. A very old analogy about defining roles that comes to mind quickly, uses words like: the kitchen, bare foot and pregnant. Talk about oppressive!
Defining roles within a marriage could be confining, stereotyping and restricting for sure, especially since we are all individuals and uniquely created. Roles can actually be good to create lanes without pigeon holing anyone. With that in mind, (In this first part of a two part blog), I’d like to convey some roles for a husband and wife which can actually bring clarity, understanding and some peace within a marriage and a home. Obviously, there are some roles that are defined purely by our design as a man or a woman. Without putting anyone in a box, let’s look at some of them.
Some common characteristics of being female are that we are nurturing. We like things to be organized and run smoothly within our homes. Most of us consider it our responsibility to make sure everyone is cared for as well. Factor in her job or career, and this makes for many moving parts to oversee. (Regardless of whether she works outside or inside of the home, this typically defaults to most women anyway). When the opposite of what this woman wants happens, and she doesn’t feel like she has a handle on everything, it creates undo stress on her, resulting in lots of marital friction. In my 30 years of working with couples, this held true years ago and still is today.
Being married is being part of a team. Being part of a team means everyone has his or her position to play so to speak. When these positions are clearly defined, everyone knows what’s expected from them and what they are responsible for. It won’t make it the perfect running home, but it will become the goal or plumb line for organization within the home. So it is safe to say that the position or role for women today is that of a manager. This requires a conversation for understanding and clarity on how that plays out in your home. (Since every home is different you can tailor it to fit yours). A good manager doesn’t do all the work, unlike the traditional wifely role. Today’s wife is the one who lays out how she thinks things need to go and she delegates (or hires). Again, she is a good manager, so she has respectful and honoring discussions with her husband and family (team mates) when needed, to negotiate ideas and changes, and to keep things on point. In order for her to be the manager, that role has to be defined as such. Then the husband has to support and back her in it. The unity between the two of you will then be seen and understood in the eyes of everyone in the home.
At a time in our lives, where changes in our culture have left expectations and roles blurred, it can be useful to start building some structures in our homes, relevant for today. Every marriage needs a healthy foundation to build upon. I have found this defining role for a wife, both personally and professionally, helpful for a marriage and a home. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water in our evolution.
In my next blog, we’ll take a look at a role of a husband. It’s so much more than just “being the head of the home”.
#Roles #MarriageBuildersGroup #RewardsCoaching #LifeCoaching #Happywifehappylife #Teamworkmakesthedreamwork
If you’ve parented a teenager or are in the throws of it now, you understand the title of my blog. Consider the analogy. Some days are fun and exciting. There are lots of laughs, and your heart is filled with unbelievable love and pride toward them. You want to keep them home, spending as much time with them as possible, before they leave the nest.
In the very same day though, maybe the same hour, you remember you have just entered the Lion’s Den. You see the look on their face. Suddenly they have become distant and closed off. The air now frosty, you begin to question yourself:
You may or may not find out what caused the shift in them, but nevertheless, the onus is on you to be the adult in the relationship (whether you feel like it or not). This is the time to hold onto the reigns and ride out the raging hormone horses so to speak, till they calm down and level out. You then give them space, guidance, love and support.
Some days we just respond to them in kind; they yell, we yell. If they get nasty, we get nasty. All the love and affection we felt earlier has now been challenged; at that moment, we don’t even like them. Again, we question ourselves:
The anger, frustration, guilt and inadequacy you feel can make it extremely hard to handle things in a healthy manner. It’s so important for their sake, for your sake and for the sake of the relationship that you “woman up”- “man up” and parent them with intention.
As they go through their teen years the goal is to train them to make good decisions, as well as to handle mistakes and bad decisions, correctly, while they are still in your care. The letting go process with a teenager, can be a difficult transition for a parent. It is different for everyone, depending on the general stability of your teen (emotional, peer pressure, drugs, etc.). Some may require additional support and help, along with your parenting. Just remember, you are the best mom or dad they could ever have. Everything you have ever done for them was out of love. We all make mistakes, so never be afraid to apologize to your teen if necessary. One day your teenager will grow up and they will thank you for all you did for them. Until then, keep up the good work! This is the hardest yet most important and rewarding job you’ll ever do.
#Parentingateenisnotforcowards #Nomommyguilt #betheadult #prayhard #protecttherelationship #itisjustaseason #theygrowsofast #relationshipcoach
I post my blogs bi-weekly, with a focus on strengthening and encouraging the amazing women and wives that you all are, You'll also find relevant conversations on marriage, relationships communication, and thoughts on having a Spiritual Journey.